Leisure in the Midst

This semester has been emotionally challenging for me as I navigate a host of moving pieces. It is difficult to orchestrate: moving to a new space, being in a relationship, working part time, going to school full time, maintaining friendships, keeping in touch with family and Texas friends, enjoying the state I live in....oh and relaxing (i.e., self care... AKA one of least favorite things). 

The order that I wrote that in is partly random and partly not. Relaxing has often been the last thing on my mind because of the myriad of things already present on my list. I have recently felt convicted of my stress level though.. Convicted because of the way that it impacts all of the other things listed. 

I have noticed the impact of this mindset, the impact it has on my heart and my mind. The eye twitches will not go away and the anxiety keeps rising. I decided this semester to work on letting go of my (perceived) control and letting go of perfectionistic tendencies. Through letting go of control and perfectionism, I have decided that leisure is my friend. This "opportunity afforded by free time to do something" (one of Webster's definitions) seemed so out of reach for me, before I decided to make it a priority.

That definition may seem misleading as well, but the opportunity to do something because of free time makes sense for me. When I became aware of the way I was causing unnecessary stress in my life, because I thought that I had no free time to relax, it was clear that I needed to make a change. I began to feel more free to ask to change my hours slightly at work, to ask myself if I really needed to rush to school before 8am, if it was absolutely necessary for me to push that hard in all of my workouts. Letting go of the need to perform is a painful process, and it is obviously something that I am still working through, but it has given me a taste of freedom that has been quite valuable. 

Leisure is my friend...Leisure is my friend...Leisure is my friend... 

If I keep repeating this, I will accept it, right? 

Thanks for reading! Feedback is always appreciated. Happy Monday.