into the clear (guest post)
A beautiful guest post from Cassie S.
She shares her heart deeply. The image is her own work space, she is an artist both with ink and paint.
For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.
i am sitting in a pew. my back absorbs its stiffness. i am staring at my hands. i think my skin is burning from the inside out, and yet, i feel nothing.
what i wouldn’t give for a clear thought. i want to know something. to claim something with a pure rage. i want to know why my skin burns and i can’t feel it. why my soul writhes in torture and i can’t stand in front of the mirror long enough to see it flailing. i want to turn around. jam a flag into the ground. and mark this wretched place with ownership. with freedom. with deliverance. what i wouldn’t give for a clear thought.
anger. i feel angry. i feel angry at everything. at everyone. i feel angry at my situation. at my money. at my choices. at my indecisiveness. at my personality. at my body. at my hair. at my dog. i feel angry. i feel angry at everything. what i wouldn’t give for a clear thought.
i can hear the words of the deliverer on stage. the truth pouring over my head like a waterfall. i look back down at my hands. am i still burning?
i have been deceived. like a child at a magic show, i see the illusion and fall for it anyway. i am not angry at anything. i am dying. i am dying to myself. to my situation. to my money. to my choices. to my indecisiveness. to my personality. to my body. to my hair. to my dog. i am not angry at anything. i am dying to myself. and it hurts like hell. and it makes me sad. and, at the same time, i feel nothing. what i wouldn’t give for a clear thought.
i receive the familiar blessing. the taste of my sorrow fills my senses. i sit down, the pew drawing me back into stiffness. my hands are white with force. i am clinging to myself. there is a presence protruding the boundaries of my soul once more.
i have marveled at this intruder before. for this intruder is the One who absorbed my sorrow before. the One who rattled this flat-lined heart with a magic trick. desiring my attention and my affection once more. appealing to my flesh full of frustration, burning in sorrow. the One does this so that i may be brought into the calm. into the clear. into the freedom.
i take the sacrifice. i swallow the fullness of life. the stone rolls and the darkness surrounds me. the hope of a resurrection to come intercedes. the peace is liberating. i turn around. i jam the flag into the ground. this wretched place in my soul is marked with ownership. with freedom. with deliverance. the Majestic has given much for me to have this clear thought.
pulls of the deep,
Cassie is pursuing her MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling. She is an amazing example of a person who is passionately and courageously forging her path, through guidance from Jesus. My life would not be the same without her and hopefully you have experienced a little bit of her personality through this post. You can find more of her work here.