As I sat in front of my counselor, my sixth (or tenth?) tissue in hand, I felt the tenseness inside of my chest release a little. Even though I felt frustrated at them, I was grateful for the tears.
Grief can be consuming; anxious thoughts shout while positive ones whisper and the darkness brought on by a wave of grief can make you feel overwhelmed and alone. Looking around, it is easy to feel alone in a crowded room, especially when we meander through social media and see the beautiful, gilded albums our friends share. The prettiest photos of ourselves (yes, me included) are on display. We smile, with what seems like invincibility, any hint of pain or frustration photoshopped away.
I relinquished my grip of my gilded album in that office. My tears told me I am not completely okay (shocking, I know), so I thought to myself, what is the point of faking it now? The tears would not stay hidden, and with their inception I was able to let my counselor into a little bit of my pain.
Through a few disgusting snorts and blows into a tissue, I explained my troubles and how I was feeling lost and alone. I had no idea how long this feeling would last but it seemed like it was never going to be gone, that I would be in my current state forever, a trail of tissues behind me everywhere I went. She acknowledged my feeling and then remarked that even though it feels like an impossible season, she has faith that I will be able to grow past it. That even if I did not feel like I could have it for myself, I could borrow some of her faith in this season.
It was quite fortuitous for her to mention this interesting aspect of "borrowing faith". I have recently said the same thing to a few of my dear friends. They shared a difficult burden and I shared my desire to loan them some faith, that they will be able to make it out of the season and out from under the load. The exchange of grief and sadness for borrowed faith gave me a glimmer of hope in the midst of my murky feelings.
I am not sure if my words to those friends made an impact, but I think those words I shared with them had an effect on me. Because once it was time for me to borrow a measure of faith, it was slightly easier for me to receive some.