Dealing With Anxious Thoughts From a Loss
A couple of months ago I wrote about the loss of a friendship. The loss has continued to bother me and I have to admit, it has taken me longer to process through than I would have hoped. Throughout my days and weeks, frustrations with myself regarding the situation still flare up and I am left shaming myself into a corner of self-pity. Does this happen to you? Do you ever feel like you just can't get your mind off of something? This 'something' seems to have lots of sticky tentacles that have latched onto my deepest insecurities.
As I have delved deeper into this loss I feel that my difficulty in releasing myself from these thoughts isn't really related to the loss of the relationship as much as it is related to my feelings of disappointment in myself. I let a friend down and knowing that I will not be able to rectify what has happened feels almost unbearable. Case in point, my control freak/people pleaser self has reallyyyyyy been thrown out of whack. I am guessing that I am not alone in this department. A lot of situations in relationships can make us feel out of control and confused about ourselves. So what do you do when you feel the frustrations and confusion associated with so many relationship issues? Here are a couple of thoughts I have had this week regarding this issue:
Have compassion on the side of yourself that is desperately seeking control. I believe that we seek control in things because there have been significant times in our lives when we have felt out of control. Therefore, get in touch with the part of yourself that is seeking control in the moment. Through awareness and compassion you can begin to understand the 'why' behind your intense feelings, which in turn allows you to connect with that part of yourself and gain some insight into how you operate.
Keep moving (after an appropriate amount of compassion time)! We can get so bogged down by our failures, mistakes, and missed chances. Give yourself an appropriate amount of time to mourn, but don't let it go too long. I know this has been my biggest challenge. I have felt the need to wallow in my mistake with my friend, but that isn't getting me anywhere! Lately I have been giving myself time to journal about it when necessary, but I do not let myself get absorbed in thinking about it for too long. So I guess what I mean by "keep moving" is give yourself time to think about the issue but don't let it take control.
Here's the thing, relationships are tough, but you've got this! I believe that through a greater understanding of ourselves we can become better and better at being in relationship. You have the choice to process through your mistakes or ignore them. Honestly I have done both and I will say that the former is more empowering and leaves you in better shape to love those around you. Reach out to me if you have any questions.