Seasonal Attention Disorder
It shows up on my birthday, when probing questions are asked, and sometimes in my counseling sessions. The discomfort I feel when attention is put on me is often intense and a little unbearable. I have become a pro at deflection and often utilize humor to shift focus from myself. Unfortunately (and fortunately?:) the events of last weekend are a little difficult to avoid and require the repeated occurrence of attention and love. It might seem strange to read this, receiving love and care should be easily accepted, right? But when you fly under the radar for about 26 years with only interspersed moments of attention, it takes quite a bit of effort to accept it.
This last year I have been processing through how my past has affected my ability to operate in relationships and so far I have learned that I have always felt a little overlooked, not by any intentional motive of my family; but being the fifth of seven children has its pros and cons. I can thank my family for my adventurous and independent spirit and I can also thank them for my craving to be seen and heard. As I approach a season where the heat of the spotlight seems to hit me to my core, I am left feeling awkward and shifty-eyed. But isn't it so true that when we get the thing we want the most, we don't actually know what to do with it? I am seen and heard with my voice holding importance and my opinion respected and I am left a little overwhelmed. #weddingdecisions #apparentlyIneedtomakethem
So if I grit my teeth a little when I share our love story, and our plans, and my vision for the "big day", you can know that it isn't really about you and your curiousity, I am learning to accept your concern and love. I am practicing my acceptance of attention and what I am to do with my voice. I am learning to accept my worth and my neediness. Reciprocation in relationships is necessary, in order for me to give a deeper love I need to learn how to accept it. Thank you, dear friends for walking through this journey with me.